1. Write a blog post

You no longer need to wait for mainstream press outlets to pick up your latest product or service news. You can and should be your own publisher. Your audience is just waiting to engage with your brand, and using the latest new media will make you seem hip in their eyes, even if you’re really not.

2. Include a numbered list

Market research has shown that people like to count. One such report dubbed this phenomenon “The Sesame Street Effect,” noting that numbers give people a sense of confidence and competence. You always know where you are and how far you have to go. The ideal number is between seven and nine. Keep reading. You can do it.

3. Generate a sense of urgency

Did you ever wonder why coupons have an expiration date? They are not like cheese. If you tell someone they can only do something for a limited time, they are inclined to rush right out and do it, whether or not they really want to. Act now to take advantage of this opportunity.

4. Post links to your blog throughout your social network

If a blog is posted online, but no one tweets about it, does it make a sound? Probably just a dull thud. Don’t make your audience Google themselves silly trying to find out what you have to say. You want your message to be everywhere, especially those high traffic areas. In the old days, we called this graffiti. Today, we know it as social media.

5. Solicit comments

The only thing better than having your readers see your message is having them see THEIR message. This is your opportunity to feed the egos in your audience by giving them a ready platform to spout their own wisdom and look smart in the eyes of a bunch of people they’ll never actually meet. Let us know what you think.

6. Comment on other blogs

If you are lazy and have not cultivated a large number of readers, followers, friends, connections or other online soul-mates, you can simply ride the coat-tails of those who have. Think big: NYT, CNN, Ashton Kutcher. This is like flying a branded blimp over a crowded football stadium. Someone down there might actually be interested, even if your message is slightly off topic. Be sure to include a self-promotional link to your own blog. This is a perfect example.

7. Build rapport

As a consumer, you are most loyal to brands and businesses that you can personally identify with. If you’re like me, you are quickly turned off by advertising that simply touts the benefits of a product or service. Instead, we like to feel listened to, understood and valued. Don’t you think so?

8. Use humor

A brand should have a personality to let you know that there are actual humans involved. Taking yourself too seriously is a sure recipe for failure, unless you are saving lives. The subtle use of self-referential satire, spoof and sarcasm can go a long way, if it’s all in good fun. Oh, and hyperbole is the best technique ever!

Unfortunately, TD Bank managed to do just that with their “America’s most convenient bank” campaign. I say unfortunately because TD Bank accomplishes this feat with what has to be the most annoying series of ads in recent memory.

At first, I thought my reaction was due to the singularly obnoxious spokescouple, Regis and Kelly, but then I realized it was much worse than that.

To demonstrate just how convenient the bank really is, Regis gets overly excited about holding doors open for unsuspecting customers and personally introducing them to “a heckuva tellah.” Kelly then steps in to explain that Regis doesn’t have to do those things to prove how convenient TD Bank is, because the bank’s friendly service, extended hours and nearby locations speak for themselves.

TD Bank has made one fat faulty assumption with this positioning. They assume that customers think a bank is a building with people inside. You see, I hate banks. Or more specifically, I hate bank branches. And I know I’m not alone.

To me, a convenient bank is a hole in a wall where I slide in my plastic card and get cash out wherever I happen to be. A convenient bank is a phone number I call to check my balance on Christmas Day. A convenient bank is a web site that remembers my account number and lets me pay my bills or transfer funds at midnight.

My credit union even has an application that allows me to deposit a check by simply taking a picture of it with my phone — now that is convenience!

I cannot think of the last time I had a need to walk into an actual building with four walls and a ceiling and a glass-covered counter holding printed deposit slips and cheap ball point pens on chains. I cringe every time I see yet another new branch under construction, because I know that one way or another I am paying for those bricks and that mortar and those smiling tellers, and worst of all, for Regis and Kelly.

I gave up balancing my checkbook years ago, but I still look over my credit card statements every month. Usually I just cringe at the amount of money that flows through the account, but every so often I’ll catch an errant duplicate transaction, a missing credit for a return I swear I made, or a mysterious charge from some suspicious, unknown merchant. Such was the case last week when I noticed a charge for $14.95 from EZSVER RW ID055236244 – 800-355-1837 MD. A little research proved very eye-opening, and in the end made me vow to never do business with ProFlowers again.

I did not recognize “EZSVER”, but a quick Google search revealed many screenfuls worth of consumer wrath with headings like these:

• EZSVER & Proflowers Complaints – Illegal charge on credit card
• Ripoff Report: Easy Saver – EZSVER – Pro Flowers Scam
• How to reverse Easy Savers (EZSVER) charges
• easy-saver-rewards.pissedconsumer.com
• ezsver stole $61.75 from me
• Beware ezsver rw and the proflowers scam!

Scam? Was I the victim of a scam? Had I been duped, tricked, conned? Certainly not an intelligent, savvy skeptic like me. I called the EZSVER number from my credit card statement and learned that I had supposedly signed up for a paid rewards program some 7 months ago in connection with an online purchase at ProFlowers.com. In exchange for free shipping on my floral order, I “agreed” to pay $14.95 per month for all sorts of supposedly wonderful savings and benefits I never wanted, used or even knew I had. The customer service rep reminded me that I had entered my email address and zip code as a contractual obligation to pay for the program.

Run that by me again? Since when does an email address and zip code contractually obligate me? Usually, in order for a merchant to charge my credit card, I have to give them my, ahem, credit card number.

After I gnashed my teeth hard enough over the phone, EZSVER agreed to refund all the charges. I’m still waiting to see if that happens.

In the meantime, I have a bone to pick with ProFlowers, who was the company I originally chose to do business with. Through some ill-conceived marketing alliance, ProFlowers chose to partner with the shady Easy Saver program. I wrote to ProFlowers to complain and received a disappointing form letter reply detailing the terms of the program.

I am sure ProFlowers’ legal department has reviewed and approved the terms of the Easy Saver program and I am sure the legalese fine print is on their side. But where is the ProFlowers common sense department in this matter? That would be the department that sees that all of the top online search results for their “rewards” program are customer complaints.

I am sure ProFlowers makes a pretty penny from the Easy Saver program, but I doubt they are truly evaluating the cost in terms of lost customers and lost brand goodwill. I for one will never do business with ProFlowers again based on this experience. It would seem there are hundreds, if not thousands, of others who had a similar experience, likely with a similar outcome. Does ProFlowers recognize how much potential revenue they have lost with these brand defectors?

Marketers contemplating co-marketing alliance programs need to be sure the value, image and reception of the program are consistent with the brand’s core attributes. In this case, the Easy Saver bouquet was putrid.

From: 900070002925
FREE VZW MSG:
You are trending to incur substantial data usage charges on your account. We can help. Call 888-320-0591 for details. Reply Q 2 opt out.

Helpful warning or wolf in disguise? You decide.

No one likes to “incur substantial data usage charges,” so my first instinct was to call. I had been burned in the past by a bunch of unauthorized mobile charges (partially Verizon’s fault, partially some unscrupulous content providers, partially my own teenager playing with his new toy — but that’s another post for another day…). I wanted to avoid a repeat performance.

But then, as a marketer and connected consumer in the 21st century, I am conditioned to be suspicious. Very suspicious. I have received all those phishy spoof email warnings about impending bank account closure, PayPal and eBay verification requirements and innumerable other online scams. Something about that text message gave me pause.

I looked at the message again. It just didn’t seem authentic. “Reply Q 2 opt out”? Doesn’t that sound a bit too chatty for a Fortune 100 company? I refused to be duped into calling a phone number that could very likely be registered in some little-known (and little-regulated) Caribbean island only to have my account charged $90/minute.

So I called Verizon Wireless at their regular customer service number, told them about the text message and asked what was up with these so-called “substantial data usage charges.” Their answer: Nothing. Nada. No problemo. My account is in good order.

Now I put my detective hat on (no, not the kind with the ear flaps). I Googled the 888 number from the text message and found a few concerned posts from other Verizon Wireless customers who had received the same text message and also wondered whether it was legit. One reply said that, yes, the message was from Verizon, not to worry. But then I worried. Maybe that reply was a scam as well. Who can you trust?

I called Verizon again and described the text message in more detail. This time I specifically asked them if the text was in fact from them. The customer service rep I spoke to didn’t know anything about it, but was curious enough himself to put me on hold and go find someone who did. For that, he gets a gold star.

Turns out the text message was legitimate. It came from Kipany, a marketing partner that VZW hired to send such warnings to try to improve their customer service and ward off billing surprises. A nice thought, but the execution was lousy.

Not only did Verizon/Kipany cause me to worry unnecessarily about my charges, they also violated a couple cardinal marketing rules, and quite possibly some consumer privacy laws as well. Any marketer that allows a third party to communicate with its customers should first tell (better yet, ask!) those customers. The third party communications must be consistent with the brand that I do business with. And by all means, tell your customer service organization what is going on. Equip your call center reps with the information they need to support the likely onslaught of calls from customers who are trying to determine who is lurking under that bonnet.

My son got a new free cell phone that doubles as an MP3 player, so he quickly decides he’s going to download his entire iTunes collection. After about 7 songs, the phone memory is full. Nothing is ever free…

So now it’s time to order some more memory — gigabytes of it — on one of those tiny little micro memory chips that you insert into the phone with tweezers. (By the way, are these chips available for the human brain??)

I do the obligatory online shopping search to find the merchant with the best price for this commodity. The lucky winner: Buy.com. Even better, they are offering FREE SHIPPING! I give my son a high five and take out the credit card. But I didn’t see the fine print.

After placing the order, I notice a shipping charge was included, and it was anything but FREE. Too late — the order had already been completed. I emailed customer service, and to their credit, they responded promptly. Their defense was that only ECONOMY shipping is free. They charged me for STANDARD shipping, which was apparently the default setting. To me, “standard” meant basic, no-frills, run of the mill. To Buy.com it means ka-ching.

They directed me to their shipping policy at:

http://www.buy.com/corp/promos/freeshipping_051402.asp

Get out your reading glasses folks and follow those little colored trucks. Seems to me, if you can’t fit your shipping policy on, say, a 3×5 index card, it just might be a little too complex.

Buy.com did eventually refund the shipping fee, but I still left the transaction feeling like I had been duped, bait-and-switched, and generally taken advantage of.

From now on, I’ll have my son read the fine print.

While these anecdotes are intended to be irreverent and amusing, they are also real stories about real people and real brands that hold real lessons for marketers everywhere.

Read. Enjoy. Participate.

Larry Robiner

I finally caved in, cut the cord and bought one of those ubiquitous bluetooth headsets for my cell phone. “Headset” is a bit of a misnomer, actually. The thing is about the size of a nickel and weighs a gram and a half soaking wet. Anyway, it works great and now I can walk around and make everyone think I’m talking to myself.

The first problem occurred when I bought the device in a mysterious “bulk pack”. Later, I was put on hold for 12 days by the manufacturer.

After much internet research, I zeroed in on the Jabra BT8040. It looked great and came with glowing user reivews. Like any self-respecting online shopper, I searched for the best deal I could find. CompUSA quickly rose to the top of the list as the cheapest price for what they referred to as a “bulk pack”. Hmm. I emailed their customer service to ask what that actually meant, as there was no description on their website. No response.

I took the plunge and ordered anyway, figuring I could return it if “bulk” somehow meant SuperSized and the thing arrived the size of a loaf of bread. Turns out “bulk pack” means the device is not packaged for retail sale and does not include all the extras like a printed manual, display box and additional ear gels. The manual I could find easily enough online. The display box would go right in the landfill anyway. But it turns out I could really use the ear gels to get a better fit.

Jabra did not have any ear gels available on their site. I Googled till I was blue in the browser but could not find anyone selling ear gels for this device. I emailed Jabra customer support asking where I could find them. Got a quick reply saying they recieved my message and would respond within 1-2 business days. By the time I heard back from them, twelve days had elapsed. TWELVE. Now I realize there was a holiday weekend in there somewhere, but we’re talking almost two weeks.

Jabra said the ear gels are not available for sale by them or anyone else. But they offered to send me some gratis   OK, now they’re being customer friendly. But if it takes 12 days to reply to an email, I can hardly wait to see how long it will take to ship some accessories.

And note to CompUSA: please be more descriptive on your website. “Bulk pack” is not common terminology to us laymen. Tell me what I get and what I don’t.

When my wife and I saw a gas station with a sign out front advertising $4.03 a gallon (and saw our needle was near empty), we pulled right in and asked to fill it with “regular”. (Note the absurdity in the last sentence? What has the world come to when we consider $4.03 a bargain?!).

This was one of those off-brand mom-and-pop full serve filling stations — US Petroleum in Cambridge, MA. What we didn’t know at the time was that mom and pop’s real names were actually Bonnie and Clyde.

After the tank was full, the total was just shy of $60. Yes, $SIXTY!

Wait a minute, says we.  We drank less than 14 gallons — how could we hit $60?

I checked the calculator twice, then questioned the attendant. $4.31 a gallon for regular, says he. Whaddya mean, says I. Sign says $4.03. Ah, says attendant. $4.03 is for “economy”. You ask for “regular”, so you pay $4.31.

Excuse me? $4.31?? No one pays $4.31 for regular.

All at once, I feel cheated, swindled, deceived and all-out lied to. This conninving, scheming excuse for a merchant has deliberately played a semantic trick on me. Every consumer I know considers “regular” to be the low price blend. I have never heard of “economy” gas.

Cheat me once, shame on me. Cheat me twice, you’ll hear from the Attorney General’s office.

But the biggest hassle by far is updating my credit card information with all the merchants with whom I have registered for automatic payments, reward programs, quick checkout, etc.  Cable, travel agent, Amazon, etc.  I have about 20 of these. I learned my lesson the first time this happened and I now keep a handy list of all these businesses. So the second time I was a victim, I just went down the list and updated them one at a time. Simple, right? Think again.

Some businesses make it easy to update my credit card information. One easy-to-find web page and I’m done. Netflix was a snap. Others make this process more difficult. The company that hauls my trash had to mail me a paper form that I needed to fill out and mail back in. Yucky.

But no one, I repeat NO ONE, made this process as difficult as Verizon Wireless. I first went to the website and logged into the tangled morass of web pages they call “my account”. When I finally found the place to update my billing information, I got a message saying that I was not currently enrolled in automated billing. That’s funny, then why are they automatically charging my credit card every month?

I called customer service. After a half hour of being transferred and holding, I got to the right person. Their explanation? I couldn’t update my billing information online because I had originally enrolled for automatic payment over the phone. Come again? “They can’t access our information and we can’t access theirs.”

I’m sorry, did I hear you right? “We”? “They”? Aren’t you talking about one company here?

Because of the channel apartheid at Verizon Wireless, I actually had to cancel my automatic payment over the phone and re-enroll online!

When I do business with a company, I want to do business with that company, not with their call center, not with their website, not with their mailbox. What many firms fail to realize is that strong customer relationships depend on being able to recognize and serve those customers through any channel the customer wants, when they want. Organizations whose systems and processes fail to support that relationship model are doomed to lose the battle for customer loyalty.

I have been receiving direct mail solicitations from Loaves & Fishes ever since. As many as six times a year. Did I mention that I made my gift nearly TWENTY YEARS AGO?!

I cannot help but think that this organization has already spent my ENTIRE GIFT, not on feeding the poor, but on paper, postage and people to send me over a hundred additional solicitations over the last two decades.

Don’t get me wrong — I understand all about reactivating lapsed donors and the fact that prior donors are more likely than average to contribute again. But what L&F hasn’t figured out is that I made this donation not because I had any personal affinity with their cause (which would be a pretty good predictor of future gifts), but because I went to the wedding of someone who did.

L&F (and many not-for-profits) can do a better job of capturing such affinities and factoring them into future marketing investment decisions.  They should also make it easy to opt out of future solicitations. For now, with each additional solicitation they send me, the chance I’ll donate again declines even further, because my impression is they are not so much feeding the poor as feeding my mailbox, and millions of others as well.